Holding Fast

This week has been rough.

Starting with last Friday, I've had something happen in my classroom every day of the week that has just left me standing there asking myself what in the world I've gotten myself into.

Last Thursday, one of my classes was particularly rough so I had warned them that come Friday, no fun and games, no partner work, no "cool" activities - just straight lecture, notes, and practice. Friday, one of my students decided to announce that she was bored and that my class was no fun. Yeah, ok. I was bored too but oh well. :) I gave them a review sheet for their test at the beginning of the next week and for the next 20 minutes, she refused (down right refused) to do work. I asked her to get to work several times and she just said no. (I'm still fine at this point, I can handle this.) She then got out scissors and paper and started cutting strips of paper to make a fan. She took her delicately made fan and started waving it around the classroom. I walked over to her and stuck my hand out asking for her fan. She refused to give it to me and again I asked her for it. Still no. So, (my bad) I went to grab it. That tipped her over the edge. She then stood up, started yelling at me, and even threw a few choice words in there. I went to call her mother in class right in front of her (got no answer) but that apparently pushed an even bigger button of hers. At that moment, I called down for an administrator to come down and escort her out of my class. No one came. Yikes.
What a way to end the week huh?

Every day this week, I've had someone blow up in my class yelling curse words at me because I've apparently done something silly like:
1)assigning 7 math problems for homework (apparently 7 is too many)
2)taking a kid's test from him when I caught him cheating
3)Assigning lunch detention to 4 kids who randomly walked out of my class on Wednesday and never came back (it should have been an automatic day in ISS but apparently lunch detention was bad enough)
and other random "my bad" things.

Thursday, I was so frustrated when I got home that by the time I got ready for bed, I still had not cooled off. Jesus and I had a long chat though about what righteous anger was and I went to bed happy.

Come Friday, I was fine. In fact, Friday morning, I had a total God wink by seeing a beautiful sunrise on my way to work. Friday was going to be a good day. It's the day before the weekend, we had a pep rally at school, and I was going to get to see Grey after! :)

Was Friday a good day? No. I had a fight occur in my classroom that completely tipped me over the edge. By tipped, I mean, crying uncontrollably from 12-2 during my planning that I didn't get to have because I was covering someone else's class. (Those kids were scared at all the tears coming from my eyeballs.)

It was a rough day. By the time Grey got to my apartment, I was curled up on my bed trying to sleep (at 6:45) because I had a horrible headache. To give you a mental image of what Grey saw when he looked at me, as soon as I got up from the bed, my nose was so full of snot that it started pouring out. So I had to hold my hand out and catch it all. My face was bright red, my eyes were puffy, my lips looked like I had red lipstick on, I had glasses on with a half up ponytail that had fallen out. To make matters worse, my so stinkin sweet hubby to be simply looked at me and said, "Have I told you today how beautiful you are?"

Yep, I lost it...again. More puffiness, more redness, more snot. He's awesome.

Aside from that though, I've really been struggling, especially after this week, of whether or not this is the place for me. I really love my students and I've already seen multiple times how this is such a mission field (the fact that my fiance and I do not live together is just unheard of to my students). However, on the inside, it's really tearing me up. I want them to succeed in life so badly. I want them to respect their parents and myself and have goals that they desire to attain. Teaching is hard. Teaching lost high schoolers is even harder.

My only saving grace has been the fact that I am a sinner just like my students. If my loving God can have an unlimited amount of patience with me, why can't I at least try to do the same for my students?

All week I've had Mercy Me's song "Hold Fast" stuck in my head:
To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast

Jesus has His grasp on me. It is only by his mercy and grace that I will make it through this year. It is only by his mercy and grace that I will be able to show love and patience DAILY to my students. It is only by his mercy and grace that I will be able to come back day after day and give it all I've got.

So please pray for me that I would have continuing patience and love for my students, that I wouldn't become quickly frustrated with them when they do things that I've deemed as stupid, and that I would represent Jesus to my lost world of students.