What to do

So this is deep and kinda depressing but all of this is on my heart so here goes.

Spartanburg is our home - out in the boonies beside cows to be exact. It's the place that we've lived all of 7 months, the same amount of time that Grey and I have been married. I moved from Greenville, and previously, Clemson.

I went to Clemson University, played frisbee every semester, played hide and seek and capture the flag around campus, sled down hills covered in snow, shot drunk people with marshmallow guns off of balconies, rented slide projectors and watched movies on the big screen, sat and chatted on bowman field, played frisbee in the dark on bowman field, cried on bowman field :), ran around perimeter road, waited in line for a free scoop on "Free Scoop" day at Ben and Jerry's, ran around clemson house shooting water guns, hid in the bushes and shot freshman going out to party with marshmallow guns, had cookie swaps, laid in fleece sheets with roommates, had sleepovers, found a husband, went to an amazing church, helped with the youth group, etc.

When I moved to Greenville, everything seemed ok because it was just the stage between singleness and married life, Clemson and Spartanburg. I would go out and explore and go shopping whenever I wanted. I'd come home from work, pop in Friends, and work on my school work. Life seemed ok. :)

When I moved to Spartanburg, it was like this feeling of permanence set in. We initially moved to Spartanburg because it was where Grey got a teaching job. We figured that if we were going to get married, one of us had to have a job and Grey was the first one that got offered. Maybe two weeks later, I got offered jobs both in Greenville and Anderson. Wanting to remain close to Clemson, I wanted to take the job in Anderson but knowing that Grey had a job in Spartanburg changed everything. We didn't like the idea of me having to make close to a 45 minute drive to school every day on the interstate so I turned down the job in Anderson. Since both of us desired to return to Clemson, we set up the five year plan.

Teach at our respected locations for five years, pack up and move to Clemson, get pregnant, I stay at home and Grey is the only one who needs to find a teaching job.

That was all background knowledge just so you know. :) Are you still with me?

The entire time I've been in Spartanburg, less than a year, I've struggled. I don't like it here. I don't love the church that we're going to. I have no friends my age here. There are no cute, Spartanburg only, restaurants to try out. There are no traditions that I can get involved with. Along with that, the whole time I've been here and yet so desperately desired to go back to Clemson, I've wondered if my draw to Clemson was just because I had great memories there.

When our teaching contracts came out in March, Grey immediately turned his in. I actually kept mine the full allotted time. I desperately didn't want to turn it back in. I didn't want to stay in Spartanburg. I wanted to move back to Clemson.

That was when all of this actually came out in our marriage. That Sunday afternoon, Grey actually sat me down and said that he could tell that I was miserable. He said that he felt like I hadn't been myself the whole time that we've been married. It was a total miscommunication in our marriage, but he said that had we talked about this before he had turned his in, we would have seriously considered moving. However, we decided that the five year plan was still a good plan and I just needed to give Spartanburg more time to grow on me.

This whole week, I've been in Clemson helping Kristi and Dan move into their house. This whole week, I've struggled.
This whole week, I've remembered what it's like to be in a town that I love.
This whole week, I've gone back to the church that I love.
This whole week, I've hung out with friends and family
This whole week, I've gone to cute little Clemson only restaurants
This whole week, I've thought back to all the traditions that Clemson has to offer.
This whole week, I've felt like I belong.

This whole week, all I've wanted to do is cry. I don't want to wait five years. I want to move back immediately. Have you ever lived somewhere where it just didn't feel right? That's what I've felt this whole time - until now and I'm even more convinced that Clemson just feels right. I want to be in that town that I love, go to the church that I love, spend time with friends and family that I love, be in the same city (finally) as another family member, raise my kids in Clemson, have little Quatro run around on Bowman field and go to the first friday parade. I want to be there. I want to live there. I never want to leave again.

I felt so strongly that I actually had a break down and just cried when I got home. Poor Grey came and hugged me and bless his heart, I cried for a good 10 minutes. You know what the two reasons were (while I was crying) that I gave Grey as to why we HAD to move back immediately?
1. Kristi and Dan were there
2. Clemson had a frozen yogurt place.

:) You see where my priorities lie.

But seriously. What do we do now? Do we try to move after this next teaching year? When would we have to put the house up for sale? If only one of us got a teaching job, could we survive? Would we be able to sell our house? If we aren't able to sell it, should we try to rent it? Is all of this just totally crazy and should I just stick it out for four more years? Can I make it four more years? Holy cow, holy cow, holy cow.

Please be praying for us and for my heart. I need it.

-B